A Letter to Nice Guys

Dear Nice Guys,

I feel as though I have to write something to you all. It’s 3:15am on Valentine’s Day and so I have absolutely no doubt that y’all (oh god, been reading too many American blogs), are sat on reddit and 4chan, spewing all of your bitterness re: womankind out onto the internet for fellow Nice Guys to see and agree with, thus reinforcing your beliefs and amplifying all of that bitterness. You know who you are. You say things like ‘girls don’t like me because I’m too nice’ and ‘all girls go for jerks’ and ‘girls want to be treated badly.’ Okay, so now we’re clear, I need to begin because honestly guys, it has got to stop.

Now, I know that your defences are probably all there, ready and waiting to throw me into the ‘stupid bitch who likes jerks’ box, but please, give me a chance. I want to help. I understand that beneath all of your bravado is a guy who genuinely tries to win girls over and doesn’t understand what he is doing wrong. I understand that it must be hard being rejected time and time again, and seeing the objects of your affection go running into the arms of some muscle man with bigger biceps than a small dog. I’m sure that it feels pretty shitty. However. I have good news! The whole ‘Nice Guy’ curse that you’re experiencing is a myth! It doesn’t exist! Girls are not rejecting you because you are too nice and they would prefer to be with a jerk (!!!). I mean, that much should be obvious already, should it not? Come on, who doesn’t like nice people? Nice people, by their very nature, are nice to be around. I’m sure that it may seem sometimes as though it’s your niceness getting in the way of you getting laid, but I can promise you that it isn’t. Allow me to explain.

#1 Nice Guys oversimplify

So, you look in the mirror, you see a nice person and you don’t see a naked girl stood next to you. There must be a correlation between the two, right? This theory of yours seems to be confirmed when you see gym bunnies and footballers bag really hot girlfriends and proceed to cheat on them with just about everybody. However, what you don’t understand is that the observations of a few sexually frustrated guys do not equate to a valid, scientifically verified fact. There could be many reasons why somebody doesn’t fancy you, and I’ll bet that not one of them has to do with how nice you are. I mean, you could be really ugly. This isn’t me trying to be a bitch. It’s true. Sexual attraction is important in any relationship and if a girl just doesn’t find you attractive then no amount of niceness will change that. Or maybe you’re really hot but really boring. Girls want a guy who can make them laugh, or challenge their authority, or flirt his way into her knickers. Asking her how she is and what she’s been up to just won’t cut it I’m afraid. Or maybe you have nothing in common! To use an extreme example, the glamour model with the huge tits who enjoys shopping and Tiger Tiger probably isn’t going to get along too well with the pale nerdy guy who plays World of Warcraft all day long. What would they even talk about? This leads me to my next point…

#2 People enjoy dating people that they have something in common with

So if you’re wondering why Miss England doesn’t want to date you, then think to yourself: do you have anything in common or do you just want to bone her? If you share no common interests and hang out in social circles that are worlds apart, don’t be offended when the girl of your choice wants to stick with her own kind. There is a reason why the cheerleaders go out with the sporty guys. Like it or not, if you have absolutely zero in common with somebody, it isn’t going to work, no matter how much you want it to. People are attracted to people similar to them, whether that be in looks, social standing or whether they share the same weird obsessions. It doesn’t matter what it is, but there has to be something.

#3 Guys that you perceive to be jerks often have very attractive qualities

They tend to be funny. They’re confident. They’re flirty. They have a busy social life. They dress well (sounds ridiculous but a well-fitting pair of jeans can go a long way). You might look at them and just see the word ‘asshole’ stamped across their forehead but I can guarantee that these guys have many other qualities that girls do find attractive. Sorry. What’s more, Nice Guys also tend to be quite socially weak and submissive. No potential mate (unless they have issues) wants to date somebody that is a walking doormat. I’m generalising here but girls do tend to want somebody a little bit alpha, a little bit capable of holding their own and a little bit dominant. (Note: not controlling abusive boys but also not boys that will practically beg us to walk all over them. In heels.)

#4 Nice Guys false advertise

It’s true. If a girl told you how much she really fancied you before stripping down and lying on a bed enticingly, and then recoiling in horror when you made a move, saying something like ‘what?! But we’re only friends!’ you’d be confused and more than a bit annoyed. You’d wonder why she had behaved in a way that implied otherwise if friendship was all that she wanted. Well, uh, THAT IS EXACTLY HOW YOU MAKE GIRLS FEEL! If you act like a girl’s best friend for however many months, listening to her boy troubles, painting her nails, going shopping with her, yada yada yada, YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE SURPRISED WHEN SHE FRIENDZONES YOU. You put yourself in the friendzone when you treated her as a friend and nothing more! You put yourself in the friendzone when you didn’t flirt, didn’t tell her how you felt and acted as though your relationship were 110% platonic. Okay?! Nobody put you in the friendzone but yourself. It is false advertising to act as though you care about somebody as a friend and value someone’s friendship if it is all a smokescreen hiding the fact that what you really want is a blowjob.

When I have been friends with somebody for months (or even years), and they have never expressed a romantic interest in me, they absolutely do not have the right to act differently around me or fall out with me if I hook up with somebody that isn’t them. You do not have the right to hold me to girlfriend standards. You do not have the right to tell me how to behave, or sulk when I flirt with somebody, or any other stupid thing that you people seem to think it’s okay to do. If we are friends then we are friends and that is that. Do not hide your feelings and let all that repressed lust turn into some sort of bitter resentment at me and the rest of womankind.

Ooft. Can you tell I’m talking from experience?

#5 Learn the difference between nice and creepy

Right. If you’re a nice person, you shouldn’t have any problem attracting girls. Of course, it helps if you’re good looking/funny/intelligent/charismatic, but on the whole, being nice is a good thing. I have never been attracted to people that aren’t nice to me. To people that don’t show me respect or play games with me or don’t show an interest in what I’m really like. I like nice, caring, considerate people. BUT there is a difference between a nice person and a pushover.

Nice Guys tend to be pushovers. Typical characteristics of a Nice Guy include: insecurity, being far too clingy, not making sarcastic or cheeky jokes for fear of causing offence, never disagreeing, always being available, never having an opinion of their own, not knowing how to flirt, shyness and more than a little bit of social awkwardness.

No girl wants somebody that they can walk all over. It isn’t fun. There’s no chase, it’s boring and often no spark will ever arise from somebody whose sole mission is to please the other person. It just doesn’t work like that. It would be great if it did because I’m sure the world would be a much nicer place but it just doesn’t.

#6 You’re not that nice. At all.

Okay, so I know I said I wanted to help, and I do, I promise. But this might sound a little like tough love because it isn’t as cushy as the other points, mainly because the point I’m making is that, er, you’re a bit of a dick. Basically, if you have one rejection after another, the only common denominator is you. Not all girls are the same, neither are they as simple as you’re assuming they are when you apply the whole ‘girls prefer jerks’ rhetoric. Maybe you’re just not as nice as you’re giving yourself credit for. Maybe you have mummy issues. I mean, that’s fine. Just look at Eminem. He’s a prime example of somebody that takes his mummy issues out on womankind, and he’s doing okay. Serial killers manage pretty well too.

But seriously, whether it be divorce or childhood bullying or one too many rejections or whatevz, it appears that something has made you bitter and resentful of women. And we can feel those vibez dude. We can tell if you hate women and if you hold these wacko ideas about us, and it doesn’t make us feel great. In fact, it makes us want to ditch you and run off with the buff guy in the corner that knows how to flirt and drives a motorbike. And thus the vicious circle. You see? You carry around baggage, girls sense it, they reject you, thus contributing to your baggage! It’s like girls with daddy issues. They sleep with just about anyone, clinging onto any little bit of love they can find, get ditched, their issues worsen and their behaviour never changes. But the thing is, carrying around baggage like this only ever hurts yourself. It hurts you. It makes you lonely and bitter and angry at the world.

I have lost count of the number of guys I have met who suffer from ‘Nice Guy Syndrome.’ They blame women all around the world for their loneliness, failing to see how their constant negativity is actually the thing that is repelling women. I once went on a date with a guy who spend the entire date slagging off his exes and telling me what a ‘nice guy’ he was. However, in between breaths about how nice he was, he showed a complete lack of manners, was totally self-absorbed and holding onto a lot of hate and bitterness from his past. Not exactly qualities that made me want to go on a second date!

In short, if you’re going to wax lyrical about what a nice person you are, then you have to actually back that up. BE nice. Don’t just tell us you’re nice.

#7 Sex appeal

Last but by no means least, we reach our conclusion. I’ll keep it simple. Sure, a guy who loves to cuddle and will watch endless chick flicks and call you his snuggle monkey is all well and good, but is that really what makes a woman’s knickers wet? If you focus too much on being nice and not enough on your testosterone then you will grow a vagina. You will. And no red-blooded hetero woman wants a man with a vagina.

So please, do stroke our hair and tell us we’re beautiful and feed us chocolate but don’t forget to give us a good fucking after.

Sincerely,

A Nice Girl Who Doesn’t Like Jerks